Ugh! I need a fucking break....

This week, i'm excited...i'm not excited about some great data i got in the lab or because i met some wonderful person...i'm excited because i'm finally going home. so, i literally haven't seen my family in 8 months. Though i don't really get homesick or miss them terribly [read: i talk to them everyday], i do get excited when i know i'm going home to see them. The kicker is that after 2-3 days, i'm kinda over the excitement and then ready to leave, lol...sad, i know. However, i'll be in Atlanta for part of this damn vacation visiting friends and family there too [read: mostly friends]...so I won't have a chance to be too over it...or so I think. The other bright spot in this story is that my bestfriend is going to be there. She lives in South Carolina now, so I haven't been seeing her as regular as i'd like too, but when our powers combine, we are CAPTAIN PLANET!!! oh, wait...no we're not...we're just two gay black people...whoops! oh, well...anyway, i'm excited to see her and catch up on her life because she too is one of those people who i've kinda been slack with in the communication department, so i need to re-solidify that bond.

I will be leaving on Thursday afternoon and not returning to this God forsaken city until the 15th, i believe...it's just that bad that I don't even care, lol.

oh, yeah...the pic below es mi familia. mis dos hermanos mayores y mis padres :)

Relationships...ugh! so hard!

Well, i was about to take my ass to bed seeing as it's 2:43am, but then the idea of relationships popped into my mind. why? i don't know, since i'm currently NOT in a relationship and haven't been in quite some time [cue the violins], but then i started to think of the word in a broader sense and realized that i wasn't just talking about my barely existent lovelife, I was more so referring to my friendships. Lately, well, within the past year, I've realized that I've kinda grown distant from the people who I used to hang with/see/interact with everyday when I was living in TX back in undergrad. These were the people who, at the time [at least in my mind], would be the people i kept in touch with forever. We'd be invited to each other's weddings blah, blah, blah...but now, as time as passed and we've all gone our separate ways...i realize that this simply is true anymore. Those who I talked to everyday, are now people I barely call or text and who barely do the same for me. I guess it could just be a case of conflicting and busy schedules and such, but aren't friends...i mean, true friends, supposed to make the time to reach out to each other and keep in touch. Maybe we weren't really friends and I'd only imagined the relationship...or hell, maybe it's growth and I just don't realize it. A lot of the people I went to school with are still there...for some reason OUR 4 year plan, became THEIR 5,6,7 year plan...idk. it's just weird to me that I don't have that connection anymore...and i kinda have a small hole in my heart. I feel as at this point, it's kinda too late to reach out...b/c we're too far gone, but maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. who knows?

I also see this same sort of thing happening with people who I've met here in Nashville and on different social networking sites...it's like, there are periods of intense friendship...we talk, we text, we visit one another, etc...all the things that friends do...and then after a certain point...boom!...it's over. Then, the only time we see or talk to each other is through random interactions of mutual friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen with all of my friends, but for some....people who I'd actually like to continue to have in my life....it does.

Sigh....what's a lonely old man to do? Suggestions are welcome!lol

Eh...it's been a while

So...i'll be the first to admit that it has been a while...and while no one really reads this or misses it...i will say that I have...in a way. I've just been super busy [read: lazy] that I haven't really had the time. Well...let's just pretend as if this long ass delay in my blog [if you can even call it that] doesn't even exist. The most important thing is that i'm back [yay!]. Actually....not much in my life has changed. I'm still single [insert sigh here]...I'm still a slave to school [insert even bigger sigh]...and i'm still leading the life of an 85 year old man [cocks gun and pulls trigger...BOOM!]. Yeah, i said it, i'm 85 dammit, and at times I don't care, but on this particular night I do...i just feel like i'm in a rut =/ I look at my friend's lives and I think to myself, geez...they're leading such fun and exciting lives and all I do is go to school and come home. The way I live my life, i may as well be a fucking old Amish or Mormon man. Shit! I don't drink...i don't smoke weed [as so many do, i've come to find out]...i'm not a clubber...eh...what am I to do? I guess i'm the way I am because none of those things interested me...but dammit, i'm only 23...i wanna be living the life of a freaking 23 year old! Eh...i guess more on this topic later...i really just wanted to say hello and let you know that i'd be back, but here i am ranting...well...back to your lives...good day!

I wanted to call...

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

Wait!
I love you? Really?
Have I fallen so quickly?
It doesn't matter...that's what I feel, right?
Love has no rules.
Whose to say it's not love.
So I picked up the phone...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

I didn't want to be the one to...
To put myself out there,
To make myself vulnerable to rejection,
To be unclothed...naked standing before you.
With no where to hide...
With no where to run...
You and I....
Alone.

I mean, but...
I can't help the way I feel, right?
Love is a natural emotion....right?
Without pretense,
Without fear,
Without Reason...
It's what we all long for,
But spurn at every meeting.
The thing we all hope for,
But refuse to chase after.
That's love, right?
I mean...isn't it?

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you.
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause,
Just in case you didn't love me too.

The Earth grew silent

The earth grew silent today...
...in tribute to you, i think.
It wanted to honor your memory,
To create a space for reflection,
A place for introspection,
A place to think...
...of you.

The earth grew silent today...
In an effort to ease my sorrow.
To give me the time and space to breathe,
To reflect...
To gird myself against the heartache of tomorrow.


The earth grew silent today...
As i prepared to face the world anew,
To become the man I have to be...
Believing in me,
While honoring you.

The earth grew silent today...
As i placed your memories in my heart,
Realizing that I'd miss you,
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Your voice,
But knowing that we'll truly never be apart.

The earth grew silent today....
In honor...
...of you.

I Don't Know Why....

I don't know why I let you do this to me.
Why I let you touch me....
Caress me...
Fondle me...
Lick me...
Tease me....
Control me?

I don't know why I let you transport me mentally.
Lifting my consciousness to higher plateaus,
While we give in to the carnal sins of lust and desire.
Your lips...
My neck...
My hand...
Your thigh...
Your heart...
My heart...

Together, entertwined.
Forever joined as one.
Beating in unison to a single rhythm,
They link us.
They say the things we dare not say,
Hide the heartache we dare not speak of.
Hold on to the memories that draw us near.

Is this why I let you do these things to me?
Is it because it's love and not lust?
Caring and not controlling?
Is this why our hearts grow stronger...?
Louder...
First, as a hushed whisper heard on the wind.
And each day, increasing in strength...
As I learn you,
And you learn me,
And we become one....in love.

Live

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take


Do you hear it?
The voice that calls your name,
And echoes in your ear.
To your heart
To your soul
To your being

Pushing.
Pulling.
Prodding.
When you are weak,
It strengthens you.
When you are alone,
It comforts you.
When you are lost,
It guides you.

It directs your path,
Warns you of those who mean you harm.
It protects you in your hour of need.
It is your mother.
Your father,
Your brother,
Your sister.
It is God.

His light shines in you
As you live each day.
Trusting not to your own understanding,
But allowing Him to direct your path.
A beacon of faith
to those around you.
You Live.

You live with man,
But you live FOR Him
You cry with friends,
But you REJOICE in Him.
He is you and you Him.
For Him,
You Live.

Is this Love...?

Is this love that I feel?
This strange feeling that stirs my soul
Pulling and tugging at my heartstrings.
Invading my thoughts and corrupting my mind
Changing my very being
Pulsating through my veins
Making me feel …
Alive
Is this love?

What is love anyway?
Is love the way my heart races at the sound of your name?
Or is it the way it leaps at the sound of your voice?
Is it the way I search for your face in a crowd?
All the while knowing you are not there.
Could it be the way I long to be near you?
To feel…
To touch...
To hold…
You

Is this love?
Everyone else tells me no,
It is merely infatuation.
Give it time, it will pass.
But, my heart tells me differently.
Don’t think….
Act!
Don’t wait…
Pursue!
Chase those who you desire,
And who desire you.
So,to answer the minds question
Yes…it is love
Now what are you going to do for it?

Tell me something…where yo………[sic]………band at?

So being as we had missed the performance, AND gotten some angry stares in the process…we decided to make amends and go to applebee’s…so as everyone is cramming into cars…Josh and I said, hell, we might as well do the same…and that’s what we did. We rode with Desirae (band manager), Angela (singer), and George (singer/josh’s roommate)…first, we went to the nearest applebee’s…everyone, except me, is fussing about the bitch at Solomon’s Porch who decided to cut the show down b/c she had another band coming in (which explains why Josh and I missed it)…and all I distinctly remember from that ride are several people saying they were gonna “snatch a bitch” and that “this is the wrong applebee’s, they went to the one downtown”…the second part was most pertinent to me, b/c my hotel was downtown [yay me!, right?]…so desirae continues to drive, and she finally drops Josh and I off…b/c the they were going to a meeting somewhere else…anyway, we go bebopping up in applebee’s and we don’t see one band member…NOT ONE…shadey, right?lol…so, we’re standing there like boo-boo the fool before Josh says, well, let’s go to Juniors and get a slice of cake/pie…so we take a quick trip across the street, where he gets the strawberry cheesecake, and I get the apple pie…[sidenote: don’t waste your money…I could have gotten better pie by going to the frozen section of kroger’s and buying a mrs. Smith apple pie]…then we called George to see where they were…surprisingly, only a few blocks away at this place called La Pequeña…so, once again, Josh and I hightail it like 7-8 blocks and then go into Moes, which is where they’re waiting until their table is ready…so we’re hanging out and laughing and stuff…





just a really chill environment…now, angela is hungry as hell, and she is watching George’s phone for any sign of a call from La Pequeña that the table is ready…lol, but she’s trying to play it cool…and we’re making the usual chit-chat about their performance…again the words, “snatch a bitch” are thrown around and I laugh at the thought, before we get the call…and angela is not playing any games…she is up, ready…and ushering people to the door [lol]…so we hustle over to the restaurant…and when they say La Pequeña…they really mean it…I mean, thank God we all sorta knew each other or else, it could have been awkward…but it was cool…I was full so I didn’t order anything except some Mexican soda [Sandia] and they ordered everything from plantains to blackbean soup, kaluaha and coffee to lemon margaritas…all in all, we had a fun night [check the pics] and I met some really cool people…especially Desirae…she had me rolling…really…that’s one funny bitch, lol…but as all good things must come to an end, the night was finally over, and I needed to be heading home to get in the bed…so, b/c they were all going to Brooklyn and I was just going a stop over, I took the subway [by myself…I know…go me!!!!lol] and they hopped in the car and headed on home. By the time I got back to my hotel room, I was dog tired…but excited and ready to begin my new adventure that I was sure to occur.

H-Town Stand UP!

So…first, let me just go ahead and apologize that these blog posts are days late, but oh, well….i was in NY and I really wasn’t worried about blogging too much. Any who….the title of this post was inspired by my good friend Joshua Phoenix Babineaux….he moved to Brooklyn like 2 years ago and I haven’t seen him since…one reason we never saw each other when I was in Houston was because he loved in East Bumfuck Egypt and I lived in West Bumfuck Egypt….so….unfortunately, we were unable to hang out like we planned a dozen or so times…but anyway, when I found out I was going to Brooklyn…he was one of the first people that I called…and it was definitely the right move. Now my good friend Joshua came to downtown Brooklyn on what had to be the coldest day that I was there…and to make matters worse, the directions given to him required him to be lost for a little bit…now, Joshua is a little tight about the situation, so we won’t dwell on the reason for why he was lost…but let’s just all build a bridge over it and walk across it together….anyway, when he finally got to my hotel room, we just hung out for a while and caught up…he’s working in some office at H&M [I’m tight that I didn’t get to use his discount…but maybe if I come back for spring break…lol]…and I was telling him how school was going…blasé… blasé…blasé…then we both realized that oh, b/c we have fat people living inside of us…we should go get something to eat…b/c I was starving…so Joshua is asking me all the questions about what I like to eat…yada yada yada…and those who know me, know that, that is a mistake b/c I’m so picky and indecisive at times…so he leads to me this place called Dallas Barbecue [I think]…i know…picture me eating bbq with a fork and knife]…the place was really cool…crowded as hell…but Joshua said it was good, so we sat down at a table that clearly was put there to maximize the space…so I order the shrimp and chicken…and Joshua some Hennessy sauce wings (notice his happy face)…but before this arrives…Joshua is telling me that I HAVE TO have a drink…a margarita to be exact…and ya’ll know I don’t drink….he even had our waitress in on the act [bitch!lol]…and finally I relented…I had a regular size piña colada with a shot of vodka (something that starts with an “m”)…some mango mixture (see pics)…and he had a damn Texas size margarita (read: DRUNK!)with a shot of something…so I drank my piña colada and was going strong when my food arrived…mind you Joshua’s had not…and all he’d ordered was wings…i had a full damn meal…so I’m just eating away [b/c he told me it was ok, not b/c I’m rude] and he’s just sitting there………waiting. Slowly, as everyone else around us starts to get their food…I can tell that Josh is getting a tad pissed off…but just as he was about to explode and go off [read: when the red light comes on I transfooooooormmmm (thanks Danity Kane)]...his wings arrived and he was one happy negro...i mean, just look at the pics...can't you tell?...so after we ate, we went back to my hotel to put the food away and then off we headed to Solomon's Porch to hear a performance...Josh's roommate George is in a group, so we're hot-footing it to the subway and walking like hookers on the beat...only to arrive and be told that we've missed the performance...damn!...daMN!...DAMN!!! [cmon Florida Evans]...but it was cool b/c they were performing gain on sunday...so without any other plans Josh and I decided to join some of the band for dinner at applebee's...and this is where the shady part of the evening begins, but more on that later...

Spice up your life....(thanks Spice girls...lol)

soooo, b/c i was starving, nyles decided that we would go to this place he knew in union square called Spice...of course, being that he'd been here two times already last week, i figured that it must have been good to keep him coming back...the decor was nice and very chill (sorry...no pictures of that...kill me)...but anyway, after being seated...our waiter quickly came over to us and told us that the kitchen was closing in 5 minutes (i mean, it WAS 10:45pm)...so i quickly ordered the lemongrass chicken...while nyles ordered some type of noodle dish...so we're chatting and taking pictures to pass the time:


so, by this last picture our food finally arrives and we are both overjoyed...b/c clearly we were having too much fun AND we were starving here sitting at this table. so, i'm looking at nyles' plate and i'm like hmm...looks great....look at the concotion they gave me...and i'm like, umm...this don't look like no damn lemongrass chicken breast...but i'm like okay, there's chicken in this dish, so maybe this is how it's served...so being hungry, i proceeded to eat [sidenote: those of you who know me, know that i have a baby stomach, so...i was done pretty quickly...


but this didn't stop nyles who continued to eat his very tasty...but very spicy noodles...



but when he's done...he looks at my plate and is like, wtf is that?...i laugh and tell him it's the lemongrass chicken...and he, without missing a beat says, no it's not...lol...so, by this time, the waiter comes back over and checks on us...nyles makes a point of it to tell him that this is not what i ordered...the waiter, as if in a Jerry Lewis film, runs to the kitchen to tell them to make me what i ordered...and then calmly walks back to us...proud that he corrected the situation...WRONG!...i was full then...i didn't want the other stuff...so we tell us this...and off he scampers...so whatever...it was good...i enjoyed the lemongrass soup...now bring me my damn check...$21-22...not bad...then we had to debate whether to leave a tip or not...and of course, since it wasn't what i ordered...it was a resounding NO from both of us...and we proceeded to make our way towards the door....cool, right?...nope!...the waiter approaches and asks us why we didn't leave a tip...going into this tirade about they don't work for donations...blase...blase...we didn't give a fuck...and i was about to walk out, when nyles said...NO!, i need to see a manager...which our waiter proceeded to show us...and then nyles explained the situation to him...and he was acted like he didn't care...so of course this just pissed nyles the fuck off...and he declared that he would never....EVER!......EVER!...return...and nyles definitely means it...so i guess that's the last time i Spice up my life :( lol