Ugh! I need a fucking break....

This week, i'm excited...i'm not excited about some great data i got in the lab or because i met some wonderful person...i'm excited because i'm finally going home. so, i literally haven't seen my family in 8 months. Though i don't really get homesick or miss them terribly [read: i talk to them everyday], i do get excited when i know i'm going home to see them. The kicker is that after 2-3 days, i'm kinda over the excitement and then ready to leave, lol...sad, i know. However, i'll be in Atlanta for part of this damn vacation visiting friends and family there too [read: mostly friends]...so I won't have a chance to be too over it...or so I think. The other bright spot in this story is that my bestfriend is going to be there. She lives in South Carolina now, so I haven't been seeing her as regular as i'd like too, but when our powers combine, we are CAPTAIN PLANET!!! oh, wait...no we're not...we're just two gay black people...whoops! oh, well...anyway, i'm excited to see her and catch up on her life because she too is one of those people who i've kinda been slack with in the communication department, so i need to re-solidify that bond.

I will be leaving on Thursday afternoon and not returning to this God forsaken city until the 15th, i believe...it's just that bad that I don't even care, lol.

oh, yeah...the pic below es mi familia. mis dos hermanos mayores y mis padres :)

Relationships...ugh! so hard!

Well, i was about to take my ass to bed seeing as it's 2:43am, but then the idea of relationships popped into my mind. why? i don't know, since i'm currently NOT in a relationship and haven't been in quite some time [cue the violins], but then i started to think of the word in a broader sense and realized that i wasn't just talking about my barely existent lovelife, I was more so referring to my friendships. Lately, well, within the past year, I've realized that I've kinda grown distant from the people who I used to hang with/see/interact with everyday when I was living in TX back in undergrad. These were the people who, at the time [at least in my mind], would be the people i kept in touch with forever. We'd be invited to each other's weddings blah, blah, blah...but now, as time as passed and we've all gone our separate ways...i realize that this simply is true anymore. Those who I talked to everyday, are now people I barely call or text and who barely do the same for me. I guess it could just be a case of conflicting and busy schedules and such, but aren't friends...i mean, true friends, supposed to make the time to reach out to each other and keep in touch. Maybe we weren't really friends and I'd only imagined the relationship...or hell, maybe it's growth and I just don't realize it. A lot of the people I went to school with are still there...for some reason OUR 4 year plan, became THEIR 5,6,7 year plan...idk. it's just weird to me that I don't have that connection anymore...and i kinda have a small hole in my heart. I feel as at this point, it's kinda too late to reach out...b/c we're too far gone, but maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. who knows?

I also see this same sort of thing happening with people who I've met here in Nashville and on different social networking sites...it's like, there are periods of intense friendship...we talk, we text, we visit one another, etc...all the things that friends do...and then after a certain point...boom!...it's over. Then, the only time we see or talk to each other is through random interactions of mutual friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen with all of my friends, but for some....people who I'd actually like to continue to have in my life....it does.

Sigh....what's a lonely old man to do? Suggestions are welcome!lol

Eh...it's been a while

So...i'll be the first to admit that it has been a while...and while no one really reads this or misses it...i will say that I have...in a way. I've just been super busy [read: lazy] that I haven't really had the time. Well...let's just pretend as if this long ass delay in my blog [if you can even call it that] doesn't even exist. The most important thing is that i'm back [yay!]. Actually....not much in my life has changed. I'm still single [insert sigh here]...I'm still a slave to school [insert even bigger sigh]...and i'm still leading the life of an 85 year old man [cocks gun and pulls trigger...BOOM!]. Yeah, i said it, i'm 85 dammit, and at times I don't care, but on this particular night I do...i just feel like i'm in a rut =/ I look at my friend's lives and I think to myself, geez...they're leading such fun and exciting lives and all I do is go to school and come home. The way I live my life, i may as well be a fucking old Amish or Mormon man. Shit! I don't drink...i don't smoke weed [as so many do, i've come to find out]...i'm not a clubber...eh...what am I to do? I guess i'm the way I am because none of those things interested me...but dammit, i'm only 23...i wanna be living the life of a freaking 23 year old! Eh...i guess more on this topic later...i really just wanted to say hello and let you know that i'd be back, but here i am ranting...well...back to your lives...good day!

I wanted to call...

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

Wait!
I love you? Really?
Have I fallen so quickly?
It doesn't matter...that's what I feel, right?
Love has no rules.
Whose to say it's not love.
So I picked up the phone...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

I didn't want to be the one to...
To put myself out there,
To make myself vulnerable to rejection,
To be unclothed...naked standing before you.
With no where to hide...
With no where to run...
You and I....
Alone.

I mean, but...
I can't help the way I feel, right?
Love is a natural emotion....right?
Without pretense,
Without fear,
Without Reason...
It's what we all long for,
But spurn at every meeting.
The thing we all hope for,
But refuse to chase after.
That's love, right?
I mean...isn't it?

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you.
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause,
Just in case you didn't love me too.

The Earth grew silent

The earth grew silent today...
...in tribute to you, i think.
It wanted to honor your memory,
To create a space for reflection,
A place for introspection,
A place to think...
...of you.

The earth grew silent today...
In an effort to ease my sorrow.
To give me the time and space to breathe,
To reflect...
To gird myself against the heartache of tomorrow.


The earth grew silent today...
As i prepared to face the world anew,
To become the man I have to be...
Believing in me,
While honoring you.

The earth grew silent today...
As i placed your memories in my heart,
Realizing that I'd miss you,
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Your voice,
But knowing that we'll truly never be apart.

The earth grew silent today....
In honor...
...of you.

I Don't Know Why....

I don't know why I let you do this to me.
Why I let you touch me....
Caress me...
Fondle me...
Lick me...
Tease me....
Control me?

I don't know why I let you transport me mentally.
Lifting my consciousness to higher plateaus,
While we give in to the carnal sins of lust and desire.
Your lips...
My neck...
My hand...
Your thigh...
Your heart...
My heart...

Together, entertwined.
Forever joined as one.
Beating in unison to a single rhythm,
They link us.
They say the things we dare not say,
Hide the heartache we dare not speak of.
Hold on to the memories that draw us near.

Is this why I let you do these things to me?
Is it because it's love and not lust?
Caring and not controlling?
Is this why our hearts grow stronger...?
Louder...
First, as a hushed whisper heard on the wind.
And each day, increasing in strength...
As I learn you,
And you learn me,
And we become one....in love.

Live

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take


Do you hear it?
The voice that calls your name,
And echoes in your ear.
To your heart
To your soul
To your being

Pushing.
Pulling.
Prodding.
When you are weak,
It strengthens you.
When you are alone,
It comforts you.
When you are lost,
It guides you.

It directs your path,
Warns you of those who mean you harm.
It protects you in your hour of need.
It is your mother.
Your father,
Your brother,
Your sister.
It is God.

His light shines in you
As you live each day.
Trusting not to your own understanding,
But allowing Him to direct your path.
A beacon of faith
to those around you.
You Live.

You live with man,
But you live FOR Him
You cry with friends,
But you REJOICE in Him.
He is you and you Him.
For Him,
You Live.