Bone to Flesh

See....you’re just my surface friend.
not my deep down bone to flesh type friend.
the kind where we go through whatever and still mess type friend.
i mean, you know only see what i let you see.
but my bone to flesh type friend, sees the real me.
the deep down, behind the wall for real me.

See, i don’t let you know too many things.
why?
because as soon as i tell you,
peter, paul, jack, mary, eric, an nem know too.
i can’t trust you no further than i can see.
cause i know that your intentions are not for the best of me.

i question us sometimes...wonder if you can be bone to flesh too,
but you keep on doing that same ol’ bullshit,
which just reaffirms that i can’t trust...
you!
we start to build something real and for a minute you’re in my veins,
making me high,
invading my mind,
doing things that just aren’t the same.

But, just like the sun, your true colors come shining through.
and as i coming crashing back to reality,
i eject you from my veins,
to save myself from the pain,
the lies and the backstabbing,
the crabs in the bucket, grabbing....
pulling me down.
being untrue.

so, you go live in your fairytale world,
with your princess boy or girl.
happily ever after.
Me? I don’t want no part of your surface friendship.
it ain’t no good for me.
makes me sick and leaves me weak,
taking all of my energy.

my bone to flesh don’t do that.
nope!
they build me up and give me strength,
keep all of our secrets within.
no falsehoods...only truth.
in a world of reality,
connected by our sheer individuality.

bone to flesh....


.....flesh to bone


as one....

Untitled

Insecurity.
the voice that whispers.
disturbing the calm.
cutting through the darkness.
spreading doubt to all who hear.

It molds my mind.
manipulating ideas once perfectly formed.
cold and calculating,
it waits!
Seizing upon opportunities with the lightening speed.

It’s message flows over me.
turning things once known into uncertainty.
i wait.
unsure of myself.
lost in an abyss of confusion.
i wait.

Kind words of others reassure,
but do not strengthen my wall.
it is weakened.
open to attack.
slowly stones tumble.
scattering upon impact.

I gather these stones of my reserve.
i hope one day to rebuild.
to renew.
a bigger, better wall.
one fortified with confidence,
one that withstands assault.

For now, I lie weakened.
prisoner to the thoughts of self.
unable to break free from the bondage that is my mind.
but i no longer fear,
for experience tells me that weakness is fleeting.

My wall shall be strong.
solid.
impenetrable.
protecting.
built upon the experiences of the past,
fortified with the promise of the future.

Untitled

I gave my heart to you,
But you don't know what to do with it.
Protect it, I say.
Don't just handle it any ol' kind of way.
Keep it close...don't hold it so far away.
Giving other pieces of my heart.
Denying the love I have for you, for us.

I don't know why i even try.
You don't see things the way I do.
You think loves a game to be played between many,
But to me, loves no game.
And now because you didn't care,
Neither do I.

I put you on a pedestal.
Cherished you like no other.
Loved you when others told me not to.
It's too soon they said.
It'll never work...you'll see.
But i was blinded by love.
Or at least the idea of it.
Well, i guess they were right.
Another lesson learned.

Never again will I fall victim.
I'm shutting my heart down.
No more love for me...it only leads to heartbreak.
It only leads to tears and pain.
Resentment and insecurity.
A loss.

Well, goodbye love and heartache.
I'm someone new.
I'm in a new place.
And guess what?
Love don't live here anymore.

Ugh! I need a fucking break....

This week, i'm excited...i'm not excited about some great data i got in the lab or because i met some wonderful person...i'm excited because i'm finally going home. so, i literally haven't seen my family in 8 months. Though i don't really get homesick or miss them terribly [read: i talk to them everyday], i do get excited when i know i'm going home to see them. The kicker is that after 2-3 days, i'm kinda over the excitement and then ready to leave, lol...sad, i know. However, i'll be in Atlanta for part of this damn vacation visiting friends and family there too [read: mostly friends]...so I won't have a chance to be too over it...or so I think. The other bright spot in this story is that my bestfriend is going to be there. She lives in South Carolina now, so I haven't been seeing her as regular as i'd like too, but when our powers combine, we are CAPTAIN PLANET!!! oh, wait...no we're not...we're just two gay black people...whoops! oh, well...anyway, i'm excited to see her and catch up on her life because she too is one of those people who i've kinda been slack with in the communication department, so i need to re-solidify that bond.

I will be leaving on Thursday afternoon and not returning to this God forsaken city until the 15th, i believe...it's just that bad that I don't even care, lol.

oh, yeah...the pic below es mi familia. mis dos hermanos mayores y mis padres :)

Relationships...ugh! so hard!

Well, i was about to take my ass to bed seeing as it's 2:43am, but then the idea of relationships popped into my mind. why? i don't know, since i'm currently NOT in a relationship and haven't been in quite some time [cue the violins], but then i started to think of the word in a broader sense and realized that i wasn't just talking about my barely existent lovelife, I was more so referring to my friendships. Lately, well, within the past year, I've realized that I've kinda grown distant from the people who I used to hang with/see/interact with everyday when I was living in TX back in undergrad. These were the people who, at the time [at least in my mind], would be the people i kept in touch with forever. We'd be invited to each other's weddings blah, blah, blah...but now, as time as passed and we've all gone our separate ways...i realize that this simply is true anymore. Those who I talked to everyday, are now people I barely call or text and who barely do the same for me. I guess it could just be a case of conflicting and busy schedules and such, but aren't friends...i mean, true friends, supposed to make the time to reach out to each other and keep in touch. Maybe we weren't really friends and I'd only imagined the relationship...or hell, maybe it's growth and I just don't realize it. A lot of the people I went to school with are still there...for some reason OUR 4 year plan, became THEIR 5,6,7 year plan...idk. it's just weird to me that I don't have that connection anymore...and i kinda have a small hole in my heart. I feel as at this point, it's kinda too late to reach out...b/c we're too far gone, but maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. who knows?

I also see this same sort of thing happening with people who I've met here in Nashville and on different social networking sites...it's like, there are periods of intense friendship...we talk, we text, we visit one another, etc...all the things that friends do...and then after a certain point...boom!...it's over. Then, the only time we see or talk to each other is through random interactions of mutual friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen with all of my friends, but for some....people who I'd actually like to continue to have in my life....it does.

Sigh....what's a lonely old man to do? Suggestions are welcome!lol

Eh...it's been a while

So...i'll be the first to admit that it has been a while...and while no one really reads this or misses it...i will say that I have...in a way. I've just been super busy [read: lazy] that I haven't really had the time. Well...let's just pretend as if this long ass delay in my blog [if you can even call it that] doesn't even exist. The most important thing is that i'm back [yay!]. Actually....not much in my life has changed. I'm still single [insert sigh here]...I'm still a slave to school [insert even bigger sigh]...and i'm still leading the life of an 85 year old man [cocks gun and pulls trigger...BOOM!]. Yeah, i said it, i'm 85 dammit, and at times I don't care, but on this particular night I do...i just feel like i'm in a rut =/ I look at my friend's lives and I think to myself, geez...they're leading such fun and exciting lives and all I do is go to school and come home. The way I live my life, i may as well be a fucking old Amish or Mormon man. Shit! I don't drink...i don't smoke weed [as so many do, i've come to find out]...i'm not a clubber...eh...what am I to do? I guess i'm the way I am because none of those things interested me...but dammit, i'm only 23...i wanna be living the life of a freaking 23 year old! Eh...i guess more on this topic later...i really just wanted to say hello and let you know that i'd be back, but here i am ranting...well...back to your lives...good day!

I wanted to call...

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

Wait!
I love you? Really?
Have I fallen so quickly?
It doesn't matter...that's what I feel, right?
Love has no rules.
Whose to say it's not love.
So I picked up the phone...
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause.

I didn't want to be the one to...
To put myself out there,
To make myself vulnerable to rejection,
To be unclothed...naked standing before you.
With no where to hide...
With no where to run...
You and I....
Alone.

I mean, but...
I can't help the way I feel, right?
Love is a natural emotion....right?
Without pretense,
Without fear,
Without Reason...
It's what we all long for,
But spurn at every meeting.
The thing we all hope for,
But refuse to chase after.
That's love, right?
I mean...isn't it?

I wanted to call last night,
Just to say, I love you.
But I had to stop myself,
To put myself on pause,
Just in case you didn't love me too.